![]() ![]() ![]() It can get some people over the hump of resentment, enabling them to take on a more active role in caregiving. Discussing your past and working through your feelings with a trained counselor can be a helpful exercise. These are the suggestions I often give to those who seek advice on caring for a dysfunctional family member: Over the years, I’ve received a lot of questions from people with difficult parents and pasts. You’re not a bad child or an uncaring person for vacillating on this issue. If you find yourself struggling with caregiving decisions for a family member with whom you have a complicated relationship, let me assure you that you’re not alone. Options for Handling a Difficult Elder’s Care Regardless, abusive environments like Nancy’s should never be considered normal or irrelevant to caregiving decisions. It’s important to remember that most families have never been totally “functional.” Each one has had its share of secrets, disagreements, struggles and bad behavior. The perception (regardless of how accurate it is) that everyone else comes from an intact family is merely salt in the wound. Of course, this popular narrative makes them feel left out, just as the abuse did when they were young. They imagine that these families have nothing but deep love, devotion and fond memories motivating them to create this perfect circle of support and care. It’s especially difficult for these people when they read inspiring stories of family members coming together to care for an elder. Some, like Nancy, have gone through considerable counseling, while others haven’t sought professional help sorting through these feelings. They want to know why they carry guilt for not wanting to care for someone who was such a destructive force in their lives. They want to know what their options are. These adult children want to know if they are terrible people for struggling so much with this decision. However, many feel that they just cannot provide the emotional and physical care their aging parents need without incurring additional trauma themselves. Some of them have strong religious beliefs about “honoring their parents,” no matter what kind of childhood they endured. These sons and daughters find themselves in a quandary, because they know that society expects them to care for their parents. She was confident this sibling could handle some of what their aging mother would need, but she still agonized over the decision that awaited her.Īs a columnist and caregiving veteran, I receive many letters from adults who were raised by abusive, addicted, neglectful and/or narcissistic parents. Nancy did have a sibling who, for whatever reason, wasn’t abused. At that time, she felt that she wouldn’t be able to give her mother hands-on care, and she wasn’t even sure she wanted to be involved with her care at all. Understandably, the future frightened her. The question was, what should she do when her mother inevitably began needing help? How was she supposed to care for a parent who didn’t do right by her? Was it possible for Nancy to “get over” her feelings of hurt and resentment? If so, how? Nancy came to accept her past and was determined to avoid repeating any of her parents’ poor behaviors and choices with her own family. ![]()
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